"Inside Out Approach of Image Management"

My wife Pallavi and I had this incredible opportunity to meet Judith Rasband at her institute in Salt Lake City, Utah. It was extremely kind of Judith to give us an appointment on a short notice. For uninitiated in the subject of ‘Image Management’ Judith is the iconic Guru who redefined image management and gave it an identity as a profession. While Pallavi was like “Alice in the wonderland” as she was meeting the Guru of Image Management, I was simply blown away by passion and incredible depth of thinking by Judith as she explained us her work.

At a point of time she asked us a very simple question – ‘what are some of the major barriers in your surrounding when it comes to image management?’ That set me thinking and in my opinion finally everything boils down to your belief system which in turn is deep rooted in your culture / upbringing / the messaging that you have been continuously listening as you grow up.

So what are the cultural messages that I have seen around? I remember a common theme in middle class families of 70’s and 80’s -  whenever one spent more time on ‘looking better’ mostly one got the rap on the knuckles saying, ”You better focus on your studies! If you know your subjects well, it does not matter how you look.  What is going to save you in life is your education and not the looks!” While intention behind this could be noble, I always felt that there were some beliefs that were embedded in these kind of comments :

“If you know your subject well, the presentation layer just does not matter. People who do not know their stuff need to spend more time on the presentation stuff!”

Conversely, “If you are spending too much time on your looks and presentation layer, you may lack depth of  knowledge”

“Focusing on looks and presentation layer is phony – almost glossing over the real facts!”

While I am not an expert on image management, I have definitely seen a lot of super talented people suffering to achieve their full potential because they are stuck in some of the beliefs above.

Solution to this problem is reframing some of the beliefs or challenging these beliefs by showing contrast in the very culture that perpetuated these beliefs.

To the people who question the necessity of image management, I would like to draw their attention to the following situation. Especially in India, when you are meeting your prospective bride or a groom for the first time, why do you take care to dress up a notches up than your ‘normal self’ Is it not phony to do that – why not just let the hearts connect with each other?

I think if the cultural beliefs are coming in the way of making yourself presentable, it can be countered by another strong belief in the same culture and that belief is that of “Respect”.  When you meet someone special for your date, you do not ‘dress up’ because you are phony or would like to mislead the other person. You do so because that other person means something to you, it is also being respectful to the person who is special to you.

So, how about being respectful when you are meeting the world? How about putting your best foot forward so that you indicate your respect to the world instead of an arrogant “I need to be accepted the way I am because I am superior!” Once we anchor our thoughts around the belief of respect, making oneself presentable is just a few step away and if it has to work the process is always “inside out”!!

discipline and safety as foundations of creativity

One of my friends told me a lovely story of a deer. A deer with its beautiful horns and shining skin is very fond of its personality. A deer though feels that its legs are not as beautiful as its horns and feels little sad about it. When a tiger comes hunting , those very legs save the deer from getting hunted and the horns are a liability as the deer runs a huge risk of horns getting entangled in bushes while running. This story highlighted a fact that sometimes it’s the non-glamorous stuff that can be a real savior.

When it comes to ideation or creativity, words like “Discipline” and “process” look non-glamorous. I have heard many talking about creativity as a free-flowing state of mind which cannot be hampered by pre-defined rules. It always sounded ok to me till I had a very interesting experience

I was conducting an offsite for a leadership team recently. Part of the offsite was regular business reviews and I was invited as an observer for that part . One of the non-negotiable rules I set up for any meeting / discussion that I am part of is “safe learning / sharing zone” where participants agree that there is no punishment for speaking the uncomfortable facts / incidents. The rules of how we would interact during the offsite were set up right in the beginning.

During the review presentations,  one of the Business Unit Heads made a very simple statement,” I shouldn’t have accepted the target from the board when deep down I had concerns about the feasibility etc”. I could see the Chairman of the company sitting in the room getting very uncomfortable when this happened. He simply asked” Don’t you realize that you misled the board?” I could sense the situation getting very tense and suddenly the tension in the room was so thick that you could have cut it with  a knife 😊 Intuitively I jumped in and told the audience that it takes raw guts to stand there and I had never seen such brilliant honesty in admitting the shortfall in such a simple manner. The mood changed and everyone clapped for the gentleman who was presenting. With this unexpected response, the presenter had tears in his eyes.

However, the real magic happened afterwards. The atmosphere in the room became much lighter and suddenly it was “OK” to have dialogue about one’s failure / vulnerability. People became comfortable with their own vulnerabilities and ideas started flowing freely. The Chairman of the company later on told me that he had never seen his team contributing so much. I politely told him that they would always do this if they felt safer in the environment.

I think as a facilitators/ coaches we all have responsibility to stick to our process and discipline that we have laid down with the target audience. No amount of provocation and especially senior leadership intervention should sway us away from the discipline and pose a threat to safety. Many a times we allow some senior leaders to hijack the agenda when they break the rules. It is primary job of a facilitator and a coach to ensure that he / she is guardian of the process. This discipline on part of the facilitator / coach creates safety in which creativity naturally blooms 😊

Childhood stories and Coaching

Childhood stories are fun to listen to when we hear them ... meaning of some of those stories is understood much later...

Just came across a childhood story which I’m sure all of you have read or heard. As I was hearing it again, I had a ‘lightbulb’ moment!! I was trying to comprehend some aspects of coaching on my journey to gain mastery in coaching and this story knocked some meaning in my head...

This is a story of two cranes and a tortoise who were best of friends. They all lived happily near a lake. The problem used to be in summer when the cranes would fly away to find another lake with plenty of water.... one summer as they were leaving they said to the tortoise,”We wish you could join us - it’s such a brilliant place out there and not only that - even the journey is beautiful”. As one crane said it, other one had an idea”AHA”he said,”we can take you there. I’ve an idea. We will both hold a stick between us. You hold that stick tightly in your mouth as we fly - but be careful- don’t open your mouth which would be a disaster!!”

Tortoise was overjoyed and readily agreed. The two cranes found out a strong enough twig which would take the weight of the tortoise and they set off as per their plan. Most of the journey was ok and tortoise was really enjoying the new experience of flying!!

As they came near the lake, the view was simply breathtaking and tortoise couldn’t resist saying “ah! What a beautiful place” ......yes ... and that of course was the end of the journey.....

Many a times in coaching our client takes us on a beautiful journey and he/she is in a ‘zone’. This is the time where a coach needs to understand the importance of silence. Silence is the best way to be present there as the coach. This is a delicate moment when coach sometimes gets overwhelmed with his/her own emotion and feels compelled to say something- that’s precisely the tortoise moment. If you understand the real meaning of coach presence, it is never about you or your feelings as a coach - if you are tuned in with active listening you will enjoy your client’s journey keeping your mouth shut!!

The six little ones who taught me coaching!

I was on my journey to pursue mastery in coaching. My mentor coaches insisted that I stop being cognitive and enjoy the whole process as it unfolds and somewhere I was struggling....

Around the same time our Labrador - Angel delivered six breathtakingly beautiful pups. We were overjoyed but also overwhelmed with a sense of responsibility- we knew that we would be giving them for adoption to the right families but for 45 days they were our responsibility- a time when they are most susceptible to all kind of infections !!! So we went on an overdrive mode - we went out and bought 6 trays and created beds for them with soft bedsheets and all!  For the uninitiated about puppy world - the pups when are born have eyes closed and can only crawl for first 10-12 days! The real fun then started! My daughter, mother-in-law, wife and I started a round-the-clock vigil - as soon as any puppy wailed, we would quickly check if  it has wetted the bed or else put the puppy for feeding with mother. Angel - their mother - being a pampered girl was pretty relaxed as she saw us efficiently working like well-trained assembly-line line workers with her puppies! End of three days and we were looking like zombies! “There must be a better way” I muttered to which my wife replied  “babies are like this and we have six of them and you can’t even run to your corporate life now as you’ve none!” - we both laughed and then she said,”you are right - let’s talk to people who have gone through this earlier” - so we made couple of quick calls to our friends who had experience of puppy-sitting- as soon as they heard what we were doing they were in splits .... ‘Are you folks crazy?’ Being used to this question in general in life, we did not mind the comment! They further said “just put a safety boundary so that the puppies don’t crawl all over the house and possibly get trampled - other than that just leave them with their mother and let her figure it out with her pups!”. Not convinced... but out of sheer exhaustion we agreed and AHA! the constant wailing stopped - as soon as they wanted to feed, they would crawl to their mother and feed themselves! As soon as their mother thought they had enough, she would get up and walked away! The whole thing looked sorted out!! We actually for the first time started enjoying the whole stuff!

.....And it’s then that the penny dropped for me! Just by creating a safe zone and treating them like perfectly capable beings, the first-time mother and her little pups who hadn’t even opened their eyes figured it all out! Less pain for them (the amazing and constant wailing stopped!) and much lesser to do for us!! .... the problem is that we were looking at it from our perspective and trying to help which in the first place was not required!! Just create a safe boundary and watch them figure it out - it’s actually fulfilling!!

So the six little ones had a lesson for me - when you coach someone- you are dealing with someone who is perfectly capable of figuring his/her way out, the moment you try to “help” - you as a coach are looking at things from your perspective which is irrelevant from the point of view of coaching!! You actually can create more confusion... just be there holding the mirror as a coach and then observe your client waltzing like a star!!!

Crossing that thin line!

I've always been a hygiene conscious person right from my childhood. People who know me almost find it amusing that I can never eat without washing my hands - even if it means using a little bit of drinking water from a water bottle. I remember one of my friends calling me to give "good news" when hand-sanitizers were launched in India "Dude - this will save some drinking water next time we are out". While my need to wash hands may be part of good hygiene, it is definitely more a psychological need!

Same applies to my being conscious about where I would eat etc. The only exceptions I have made are my travels, treks and funnily if I'm in Parle where I grew up (it's almost like dirt there on the street food is familiar and cannot harm me!!!!). 

For a long time in my life I enjoyed the food served on Mumbai-Pune trains and especially the "cutless" - frequent travellers would know that for some strange reason cutlets would be pronounced like that!! As the time passed by my train journeys stopped altogether for last few years. Due to my work, my Pune Mumbai travel became almost a weekly affair and of course always by the road - the Express highway connecting the two cities. 

This week I finally got fed up of Express Highway and decided to take the train. I boarded the "Deccan Queen" which departed sharp on time from Pune. As I settled in my seat, a fellow in the railways uniform asked me if I would like to order some breakfast which I politely declined - of course for hygiene reasons! I guess over the period, I've excluded my work related travels from the hygiene exception list :-)

As the journey began, gentleman sitting next to me started enjoying his journey - first he had his tea - then wiped his hands with his handkerchief and started enjoying his food one item after other as it came by. The man was in his sixties and did exactly what I would do earlier on my train journeys between Pune and Mumbai! I did my best not to look at him - I guess it's odd to stare at someone enjoying his food! I was distinctly uncomfortable and I thought my feelings stemmed from my concern about the health and hygiene of the old man. But the man looked at peace and was enjoying his journey. I could not understand why would I feel so concerned about a man whom I did not know.  It is then I realised that my feelings had nothing noble about it - it was just pure envy - envy that someone could still enjoy what you enjoyed once upon a time!! Once realised, only right thing then to do was order my breakfast! As I started eating my breakfast - first little hesitantly and then with a supreme bliss my emotions settled down. World that now looked more familiar lulled me into my nap!

I guess the line between being conscious about something and being hyper is very thin!! You don't even realise when you cross it, intellectualise about it and start being plain stupid!!

Yogesh Patgaonkar 

23rd September 2015

Travel freaks

While browsing internet, I came across an article about a small-time tea-stall vendor. He and his wife have by now travelled the whole of India and 16 other countries – every day the man puts aside some money, then takes some bridge loan and travels …. Works hard for some time to clear the loan so that he and his wife can travel again…

….. Long back we had driven down to Kanyakumari from the city of Bangalore for a short vacation… Standing in the Queue for the ferry to “Vivekananda Rock” Pallavi and I were chatting with each other. Suddenly a man standing next to us asked me if I was from Mumbai …. A little irritated at being disturbed I nodded silently …. He introduced himself and narrated his travel story … he and his neighbours who mostly worked on low wages / daily wages regularly kept aside some money and then once in the year, hired a bus to travel to far off places …. They would carry their grocery, cook themselves during the journey and visit the tourist destinations ….. I think they had seen most of India …..

Standing in Kausani, which is about 2000 Km from Mumbai, as I bragged about my long-distance driving, an old man listened quietly ….. when he introduced himself, I realised that he was in his 60’s, drove a small car and had driven from Bangalore ….which meant he had driven at least 1000 km more than me ….

These are true stories and stories like these always inspire me. These are stories of people who may not be great achievers but they quietly believe in following their own dreams and passion….. they live hard lives but do not lose their hearts …….hard life does not become an excuse to not enjoy life ….meagre resources do not come in the way of chasing something which is always considered possible only when you have excess of resources…these are simple stories of simple people who teach us a significant lesson – living a happy life is not a function of your resources but a function of your attitude!!

Freedom of expression

I do not remember much about my grandparents as they used to stay in other city and were quite old by the time they came to stay with us. Though one incident about my grandfather has stuck with me and I guess I will never be able to forget it as long a I live!

My grandfather had lost part of his memory due to an accident, so ,some times, he could not relate to his immediate surroundings. One day my elder sister went up to him to give him a 'pedha' - one of the most popular Indian sweets made from milk. My sister had cleared some important examination and was distributing 'pedha's as per tradition. He took it, muttered some blessings and kept the pedha in his hand. My mother smiled and told him that she would also give it to his son - my father! He said ok and he would eat it little later. My father came home from office after a few hours. Irrespective of my grandfather's condition, he would always know my father's arrival. He called my father and gave him the 'pedha' that he had kept in his hand for his son. The old man had kept the little sweet in his hand for a few hours just to give it to his son. It was such a touching moment that all of us were deeply moved! But as was the tradition, nothing much was said about it!

Many things rush to my mind whenever I think of that incident. Parental love is universal - whether it is expressed or not! My earlier generations carried an enormous pressure of never expressing their true feelings as it would be seen as sign of weakness or arrogance. Howsoever strongly you felt, you nevert talked back to your elders lest you should hurt them. My grandfather and my father never sat across each other and talked expressing their feelings! But the intensity of their relationship was no different than the one I share with my son! Today I feel blessed as we can express ourselves freely and enjoy the moments of life enriched with bouquet of feelings!

There were some merits of earlier ways of life - there was an uncompromising sense of responsibility and duty. So while we enjoy the freedom of expression that relieves us from burden of carrying unexpressed feelings, we also have responsibility to care. Freedom of expression does not mean freedom to hurt anyone or freedom to walk away from responsibilities just because we have a freedom to express! While we enjoy freedom of expression, let's carry with us the good old values of caring for others with a sense of duty! Extreme positions may tempt you to choose either this or that but pleasure of life is in striking balance!